“He was a good husband – he treated me more like a friend than a wife.” (Madame
Curie)
What a wonderful tribute for a
wife to pay her husband. As husbands, we
should strive to develop and grow deep friendships with our wives. Instead, I all too frequently see sad
conditions created by husbands who show more deference to their friends’
desires and preferences than they do to the wants and needs of their own wives.
Consider for a moment the way you
act toward your friends. Are you short
tempered or longsuffering with your friends?
Do you speak harshly or kindly to them?
Are you demanding or easygoing?
Do you ignore your friends or make the effort to listen to them? Are you disloyal to your friends? How long would your friends put up with unkind
behavior? How long would YOU put up with
similar treatment?
Now, compare the way you behave
toward your friends with the way you treat your wife. Be honest with yourself and ignore any
excuses you think you have. Are you short-tempered,
harsh, demanding, disloyal, uncaring, etc. with your wife? TIP: If you really want to know the answer, then
ask your wife.
Whether we like it or not,
husbands, duty calls on us as the leaders of our families to create the
conditions for spiritual and emotional growth, warmth, happiness, harmony, contentment,
and tranquility. After all, what good
are we as husbands if we choose to make our wives’ lives more difficult instead
of more pleasant? I’ll answer that for
you – we’re no good at all!
We need to constantly strive to
be our wives’ best friends. With that in
mind, here are a few things to consider that will help you become a better
friend to your wife:
·
Listen to your wife. She wants you to know what is on her heart,
so listen actively and with the purpose of understanding. Turn off the television, put down your book,
stop your mind from wandering, put your ego behind you, look at your wife and
focus your entire attention on what she is telling you. If you aren’t sure what she’s trying to
communicate (it takes practice, dude!), then ask her to clarify. Listening to your wife is not about you; it
is about her.
·
Speak to your wife’s heart. Hey, communication is a two-way street, right? Your wife wants to know what is on your mind
and heart, so tell her. Don’t talk AT
her, but instead speak TO her. Let her
know what you are thinking and feeling.
If you speak to your wife’s heart, you’ll find no better friend or
confidant.
·
Touch your wife. Don’t let you
mind wonder, buddy! I am talking about
showing your affection to your wife by holding her hand, walking arm in arm,
standing and sitting closely, hugging her, rubbing her aching shoulders and
feet (she works hard for you and your family!), etc. Touching is an important element in a friendship
– we shake hands, pat shoulders, and the like – and it is especially critical
in a marriage. The physical
and emotional benefits of touching are well-known and widely
documented. Beyond simply demonstrating warmth
and closeness, touching reduces stress and anxiety, decreases depression, enhances
immune function, decreases pain, improves alertness and performance, and
lessens aggression. And as an additional
bonus, the act of touching is beneficial for the giver, just as it is for the
receiver.
·
Praise you wife. Acknowledge your
wife’s particular strengths and abilities, and her distinct contributions to your
marriage, to you, to your family, and to those with whom she interacts. If you have kids, praise their mother in
front of them so they know you appreciate her, and they will learn to praise
and appreciate her too.
·
Empathize with your wife.
If you’re honest with yourself (maybe I’m talking more to myself here,
but bear with me), you will admit that it isn’t easy living with you. Understand that and show empathy in your
words and actions. Add children to the
mix and your wife’s life gets even more challenging. Whether she is a hard-working stay-at-home mom
or hard-working mother who also works outside the home, the point is she works
hard. Raising children is tough
physically and emotionally. Do
everything you can to empathize with your wife – that is, identify with her
challenges – and lighten her load whenever and wherever possible.
·
Be a leader, not a lord.
I mentioned above that duty calls on us to serve as leaders in our
families and that is a high calling.
There’s a huge difference between leaders and lords. True leaders are driven by their desire to serve,
whereas lords focus on their supposed right to be served. Our role as husbands is to serve and lead; we
have no right to demand service, yet I see husbands time and time again
ordering their wives around like servants.
You don’t treat your friends like that, right? If you do, you won’t have friends very long,
and the “friendships” you do have will never be as close as they should be.
·
Really love your wife.
I cannot end this discussion without mentioning “true love.” True love is defined by your willingness to
do everything you can to please your wife and meet her needs without any
expectation of reward. In the words of Don
Francisco, “Love
is not a feeling; it’s an act of your will.” I am not advocating for you to become a
doormat, but if you love your wife unconditionally and stick with it because it
is an act of your will, you will most likely be rewarded with a relationship of
love and friendship with your wife that you could never have imagined.
A good marriage takes effort, but
the rewards are immeasurable and eternal.
It is a terrible thing to see a marriage end in divorce, but it is
equally disturbing to witness a marriage in which the husband fails to treat his
wife as his best friend. Beware husband,
your marriage may not have ended in a formal divorce, but if you are not
treating your wife properly, you are likely already emotionally divorced, or at
least headed in that direction. Duty
calls on us as husbands to love our wives unconditionally and be their best friends.
